Stand Up Philosophers: Fidelity & Relationships
“Dating is a fun nightmare. It’s a nightmare, and then there are boners in it somehow.”
-Patton Oswalt, “Feeling Kinda Patton“
“Women have all the power… because women have all the vaginas.”
-Dave Attell, “Skanks For The Memories“
“A man is basically as faithful as his options.”
-Chris Rock, “Bigger and Blacker“
“I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I’ve ever dated. And now I think I’m fine.”
-Mike Birbiglia, “Two Drink Mike”
“I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover ‘100 Ways to Please Your Man’ by some lady. Come on man. Ain’t no 100 ways. That list is 4 things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwich and don’t talk so much and he’ll be happy!”
-Dave Chappelle, “Killing Them Softly“
“I think that people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”
-Woody Allen, “Manhattan“
I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don’t wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.
-Maria Bamford, “How to Win“
When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.
-Greg Giraldo, “Comedy Central Presents“
“I have a cute wife, and I’m not a cute wife, and people see us together and are always like “How did he get her?” Which isn’t a nice thing to say to someone at their engagement party. I just can’t wait til we’re both 80, cause you never look at (…) two 80 year olds and go “How’d he get her? He must have a huge old cock.”
-Brian Posehn, “Nerd Rage“
“Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you’ve been dating. And he’s mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to Ikea with him all day?”
-Louis CK, “Shameless“
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