Staff Editorial: What Obama Can Do For You
In the October 6th issue of Newsweek, Jonathan Darman expressed in an open letter to the Millennials (the young Americans) that we should “Ask Not What You Can Do For Barack Obama, But What Barack Obama Can Do For You.” We here at the Diner took this idea and ran with it, drafting a staff editorial of what we would like to happen whether or not he gets elected (you can still do a lot with your celebrity, sir). Below are our demands for the Obama Presidency or his powerful celebrity residency, courtesy of (some of) the All Nite Diner regulars. Please feel free to contribute your own demand in the comments section or on your own blog.
What can the messianic Obama promise, and then deliver, for us young voters? I’m speaking as a recent college graduate who’s eager to find work for a short while, so that I can actually manage to stay independent and learn about paying bills and living on my own and shit. But guess what, the work ain’t there. It’s elsewhere. Like, I am seriously considering becoming the first American to illegally hop the fence into Mexico; my B.A. in Literature and Psychoanalysis oughtta count for something over there, right?
I figure Obama’s already received the mandate from the American public to create more jobs and a far friendlier working-class environment. So what should I, the supposedly-informed, young, and ambitious voter, ask of Obama. It’s simple: farther stretching and stricter government regulation on dollar-menus. First off, my grandpa always told me to call a spade a spade (thanks for the recommendation, gramps; I mean, it’s not like I’m already starting out as a racially insensitive middle-class white kid from suburban Bakersfield, so what’s it hurt to pick-up a few racially insensitive sayings while I’m at it), so I’m gonna call the dollar-menu the dollar-menu. None of this “value menu” bullshit, because you know what that means. It means that those items don’t have to be strictly one dollar! JnB (I’m pretty sure the “J” stands for the neologism Jackuptheprice) is free to start charging ridiculous amounts, such as $1.29, $1.45, hell, I’ve even seen $1.75! That’s not America, friends, that’s the same ol’ fast-food politics as usual. I want more items on the menu, for cheaper. Forget the quality of the product or ingredients. As one of the recently unemployed, I’ve learned to let the taste of my own booze-soaked tears overtake any flavor in the meals I’ve been eating. Now, I know what some of the more conservative pundits like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh will say in a drug-addled haze as they stumble to their gold-plated microphones, drunk on their perceived-power and the miasma of their own bullshit; they’ll say, “That’s spreading the menu around!” and declare it fast-food socialism. But let me ask you this: Do you think FDR was scared out of the New Deal when some of his critics called it socialist? No. As a leader, he stood tall and did what was necessary for his country. You can, too, soon-to-be (God fucking willing) President-elect Obama. So on January 20th, right after being sworn in as the first African-American President, have your small, private military that is the Secret Service drive you to the closest BK (I’m pretty sure the “B” stands for BitchIchargewhatIwant!, or something like that) and see for yourself the atrocities that are being committed against the poor, the lazy, and like 99% of college students/stoners—those last two categories just kinda run together—and get down to some action. The world is watching, Mr. Obama.
-C.J. Payne.
Dear Mr. Obama,
I would ask that you would remove Modest Mouse from the roster of Epic Records. I think with your power over liberal (and sometimes moderate) minded musicians you can sway the modest mice away from a label that employs the insufferable and indubitably incompetent Audrina Patridge of The Hills fame. You can leave her boobies though, I happen to enjoy them.
-Ryan
Hey Obama, bring back Dave Chapelle! First you should start by legalizing it. Just guess was “it,” is. This combined with your win in the presidency will give Dave the confidence he needs to step out and conquer. We’ve had enough of “Chocolate News,” D.L. Hugely’s shows and anything featuring Carlos Mencia. Nothing can replace Dave! And weed, lots and lots of weed.
-Kim
I know when I voted, I didn’t fully understand, but after I voted, I realized that I had made a decision that didn’t support a strong America. When I voted, I realized I voted for someone who would “do it for me” where I don’t have to be responsible for myself. After I made that decision, I now know that I didn’t make a decision based on creating a strong America.
I want a candidate in office that will support me being an entrepreneur, which is what this country was founded on. This country is not about having the government being responsible for you, its about being an entrepreneur. And that was what this country was founded on. I don’t agree with everything McCain does, and how he campaigned, but he does know a little bit more about being an American and what it means to be an entrepreneur. And that is what this country needs right now, just a little bit more of that. So if you haven’t voted yet, vote for the candidate who will support us in being responsible for ourselves. This country does depend on it.