Mix-o-matosis: OhMiBod Playlists

Among the plethora of attachments made for the iPod and other mp3 players is the OhMiBod “personal massager.” What is basically just a vibrator (titles are everything) plugs into your music player and vibrates to the beat of the music. The makers of the product uploaded a number of playlists as iTunes iMixes for new and prospective buyers to try out with the product. Below is a commercial (a little NSFW) for the product and a few playlists with numerous awkward songs to which one might masturbate.

 

 

The Oh Yes! Playlist:

1. Sublime – Caress Me Down
2. Sublime – Get Ready
3. Bloodhound Gang – The Bad Touch
4. Stone Temple Pilots – Sex Type Thing
5. Nine Inch Nails – Closer
6. Bob Marley – Satisfy My Soul

Clearly the person who made this playlist hasn’t bought a CD (or mp3, I guess) since 1999. I can image that repetitive reggae grooves would make for some intense vibing, but why would you put the grooves of Bob Marley at the end of the playlist instead of closer to the Sublime tracks. The transition from Nine Inch Nail’s “Closer” to Bob Marley is about as smooth as a sadomasochistic film suddenly interrupted by a scene from “Surf Ninjas.” I think I have figured out their formula; basically, just find a song with a remotely good groove and lyrics that are sexually themed. This formula may backfire when said songs reference freaky animal sex as two of them do. This may cause inappropriate giggles and ruin the good vibrations.

 

 

Plug-n-Thug Playlist:

1. Beastie Boys – Ch-Check it Out
2. The Streets – War of the Sexes
3. Create & Devastate – The Hit Man
4. Lady Sovereign – A Little Bit of Shhh
5. The Coup – My Favorite Mutiny
6. Aceyalone – God in Me
7. DangerDoom – Sofa King
8. De La Soul – Shopping Bags

I love the name, especially since some of the rappers (i.e. The Streets, Lady Sovereign) are not quite thugs. The mix as a whole isn’t that bad, I guess. The Beasties do a little warm up and then the Streets take over. C & D and Lady Sov. continue with some good beats (and somewhat lesser lyrics) until the Coup take over with a surprisingly good track laden with decent rhymes and an old 70’s soul beat. DangerDoom bring things together with an Aqua Teen Hunger Force sample (that may or may not ruin the mood, depending on your degree of cannabis inhalation) and my all time favorite hip hop Shakespeare reference (“They came to ask him for a least some new tracks/But only got confronted by the beast with two backs “). De La Soul round out what is actually fairly decent playlist for your masturbatory pleasure with an older track, “Shopping Bags.”

 

The Ultimate 3-some Playlist:

1. Lenny Kravitz – My Precious Love
2. Lenny Kravitz – It Ain’t Over ‘Til It’s Over
3. Lenny Kravitz – All I Ever Wanted
4. U2 – Walk On
5. U2 – Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of
6. Lenny Kravitz & Slash – Always on the Run
7. Lenny Kravitz – Stand by My Woman
8. U2 – Grace

If I made a list of people who I would not want to have a threesome with, Lenny Kravitz and Bono would probably top that list. First off, I don’t see the appeal in rubbing one out to a retro-dressed, Jimi Hendrix wannabe, sans all the talent. Secondly, a 47 year old overpaid philanthropist is not my idea of a sex god, more of an overrated songwriter who hasn’t written a decent song in 20 years. The choice of “Stuck in a moment” seems cute at first; it’s as though you are stuck in this orgasmic moment of which you cannot get out. The theme and somber tone of the song tell a different story and seem more appropriate serving as the soundtrack to a painful date rape memory. As spirituality plays a major role in U2’s music, it should also play a role in your wanking habits. If there one thing more important than loving thy neighbor; It’s loving thyself.

 

 

~ by Ryan on 03/20/2008.